sh*t Straight Men Say #16: "I match with MANY girls" (2024)

I touched on my last newsletter about how lockdown makes you question everything in life: frompast relationships, to your career path, to where you were five years ago and where you'd like to be in the next five years.

I had been in lockdown for approximately 2 or so weeks and was absolutely in the depression/overthinkingstage of lockdown life. Now I'm closing in on five weeks (I was sick just before lockdown struck, so hadn't left the house, I have regrets!) and I'm now just dwelling in the "not thinking too deeply"stage of things... well as much as a chronic overthinker can do this.

So,I just want to lower your expectations for this next newsletter. I have nothing overly prophetic or deep to say about dating. My brain is a soft pile of stewed apples – the only fruit I've been allowed to eat for the past four weeks. That's a whole other thing though.

The one thing lockdown has afforded me is more time to be on dating apps! Pretty exciting stuff! So as I've swiped through lately, I've stumbled across some current popular phrases with men on dating apps.

FFS, just say you're horny Jason. We all are. There's no shame in it. Let's problem-solve this one: use some form of sex toy or your hand, and then prop a pillow up against your back at night if you sleep on your side. It nearly feels like a body in the bed next to you!

I wake up each morning with my hand in a very tight fist clenched around a heat pack, my Oodie, my sock, anything within grasp. I fear for the next time I share a bed with someone thinking they'll get a cute little spoon and wake up next to a demon.

God, men really are entitled enough to think women love to hear their "pointers". Much like their wanky need to throw their music or TV opinions down our throats (yes! I've never seen The Simpsons, get over it! Sorry if that's a dealbreaker to you, I literally understand NOTHING that is coming out of your mouth!), driving is another thing. I just cannot imagine if I was driving this c*nt around, trying to find a park, and he started critiquing me trying to get into a tight reverse parallel spot. Shut UP! If I want to do it in about 5 maneuvers let go and let god!

Men and cars and driving tips... when I was with the love of my life (my first car) an ex used to bag the sh*t out of it (a beautiful turquoise Hyundai Getz named Clancy) for not going "fast enough" even though his piece of sh*t car broke down every other day. Walk home next time.

The fact in 2021 people are still thinking we all care about their Myers-Briggs personality type and dropping it in a sentence like "this is extremely rare, look it up" is so funny to me.

I looked up what an ENTJ personality is and it's a driven person/strategic leader motivated to organise change and who like to take charge. Wow, never met anyone like that in my life! A diamond in the rough.

If anyone is wondering, my Myers-Briggs personality type is IDGAF.

Mmm, nothing makes me want to match with someone more than the good ol' "I'm watching you from the bushes" joke.

You can tell this guy genuinely think he's funny based on his other cracking jokes splashed throughout his bio. He's the type of guy that would go to an open mic comedy night thinking that he's good at comedy just because he's a white man with a loud voice and has no idea his humour or opinions aren't relevant to anyone in modern society. "Recently broke up with my girlfriend," he'd start his set. "Yeah, nah mate, it turns out she didn't know how I like my coffee. I like my coffee like I like my women. Without someone else's dick in it. Hahahaha get it? Do you ge-"

I lasted back on Hinge for... barely two days, when I matched with Alex* (*maybe not his name). I asked him how life was treating him in lockdown (hot topic of convo!) and he wrote back asking for my number because "it was easier to communicate that way than on the app."

I am not against giving my number out to a match, but I do require a minimal level of SOME sort of conversation first to progress to that next step – crazy I know! As my friends can vouch for, I am also a horrible texter, so the whole "it's easier to text than reply on an app" thing is lost on me. If you ever need me in a hurry, sadly Instagram of Messenger will get you a speedier response because, well, it's just who I am as a person. We all have flaws.

Moving on, Alex then questioned why I hadn't given him my number and should we meet up instead? So I replied that I don't usually give it out straight off the bat and if that's what he's looking for, I'm not his girl. A little chaos ensued.

The thing is I had asked him a question.. which he had ignored.. and now I'm the socially anxious, insecure one? Go off, king!

Normally I wouldn't bother with a reply but lockdown boredom got the best of me.

I hope he had many glorious meetups with all of his other matches that definitely exist... in this current strict state of lockdown Sydney is in...

I sent the convo to a friend later, who realised the same man had slid into her Instagram DMs some time ago, from out of absolutely nowhere. Wild that his dating app approach and Instagram sliding approach isn't working for him.

Since I had been gone, Tinder has a new "hot takes" feature which allows you to chat with someone also online, slowly revealing their profile the more you talk.

I naively went into this thinking it was a bit of fun – big MSN messenger vibes! Maybe I'd develop a crush over MSN again and change my username to the lyrics of some emo love song to get the attention of my crush! Maybe I'd eagerly watch their little "x is typing..." pop up and plan our future lives together.

Or maybe the only men using hot takes are just the really horny ones who are looking for a "spooning buddy".

Here's one of my trials. I didn't bother again after this one. An innocent conversation about MySpace quickly turned.

The only thing that gets me mildly amused in these boring days of dating apps: the lockdown edition, is when someone says something supremely stupid so I ask them to explain it to me.

Feel like pure sh*t, miss the days of MySpace where I used to develop crushes on ridiculous scene-looking guys and pine over them while listening to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

I'm not going to lie, at this stage I'm excited for life to go back to normal so I can get off the apps again, go out into the real world, and meet people the old-fashioned way – on a dancefloor after one too many margs. Or maybe because I'm staying sober in lockdown I'm just excited for the margs. Hard to say.

Until next time, my friends.Tweet at me,DM me, keep sending me your awful dating app screenshots or feel free to rant to me about your dating woes, especially during lockdown because I have nothing but time for all of you. Except for anyone I featured in this newsletter, sorry.