Page 4008 – Christianity Today (2024)

How do preaching and leadership intersect?

Pastoral work is feeding and leading. Of course, people would rather be fed than led. They like to hear things that warm their soul, encourage them, and give them insight.

When you say, “It’s time for us to move, not just feed,” the flock will mumble. But a pastor, by definition, is a shepherd who is not only feeding, but also is taking people somewhere.

My goal in preaching is to help people capture God’s vision and align themselves with it. I never see my teaching as simply educational. It’s always prophetic, pointing forward, calling to advance. It’s leading them to stretch.

How do you stretch people and nurture their souls at the same time?

I want to lead people with fresh understandings. First, God made you with a purpose and destiny. Second, God’s love has embraced you and is going to get you there. As you move toward that goal, God is beside you, supporting you. Third, whatever the apparent struggle or reversal, there is going to be ultimate triumph.

Tell us about a time when you preached specifically to lead.

I felt the Lord move my heart toward purchasing property before anything had been presented to the congregation. I brought a series of messages from Joshua entitled, “Possess Your Tomorrows.”

This was not manipulative. I wasn’t thinking, I’ll preach this so I can use it on them later. Even if the acquisition never happened, I had fed my flock something practical. I was conditioning them to stretch, to expand their sense of God’s readiness to act, and to help them recognize there would be a price to pay.

I preached the texts in which God said, “I have a place for you and a promised purpose for you in that place.” This would not be without vision, faith, struggles, and failures. That series never once discussed the acquisition of property. I brought the series because God is beckoning every person in my congregation toward new possibilities. My first concern was to feed them with principles for possessing what God had for them.

Is leadership infused into every message?

Yes. The target is to nurture the benevolent purpose of God for his people. It’s not to get them to meet ethical requirements or congregational goals. It’s to help each person become what he or she was meant to be.

Jack Hayford is founding pastor of Church on the Way in Los Angeles.

—from PreachingToday.com, our online journal and illustration service.

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.

We were wrapping up Vacation Bible School with family night. That year, 1981, our pastor Jim Cymbala had invited the parents to come on Sunday night. Nicky Cruz, a former gang leader, was sharing his testimony, and we took the children, about 200 of them, next door to the Upper Room. As we watched a Christian movie, I felt in my spirit that the Lord wanted the children to pray. I didn’t know that the next 30 minutes would change our work dramatically, from ministry for children, to ministry by children.

Pastor Cymbala had called the Brooklyn Tabernacle to be a praying church when he became pastor ten years earlier. “Nothing happens without prayer,” he told us often. So we prayed, faithfully, fervently, every Tuesday night, and what has happened because of God’s answers to prayer is astonishing. But our children’s ministry was still mostly one of Bible stories and songs and games. Until that VBS.

I asked the children whether any of them wanted to come and pray in another room. A dozen said yes. Without any prompting they knelt, and for the next half-hour they prayed spontaneously for their families who were in the service downstairs. It was amazing. When it was over, I remember God speaking in my heart, “Gather the children to pray.”

After several weeks searching for workers to lead a children’s prayer meeting, I complained to the Lord. And he repeated what I had heard earlier: “Gather the children to pray.” He was speaking to me. So the Tuesday night children’s prayer meeting began and has continued, uninterrupted for more than 20 years.

Almost immediately we had more children than space for them. Today we have capped attendance at 70, and there’s a line outside the door every week as they try to sign in before all the places are taken. God soon brought another leader who shared my vision for the prayer ministry of children, and today we have three teams of adults who share leadership. Some of them have served more than ten years.

On Tuesday nights, while the adults are singing and praying in the sanctuary, the children are next door in the basem*nt classroom and in the Upper Room, singing and praying. Our meetings last two hours or more.

Not just kid stuff

When someone says, “Oh, how cute. Look at the children praying,” I tell them, “They’re not cute. They’re powerful.” The church needs a new view of children and of their importance in the kingdom. We tell the children, “You’re not too young to pray.” We are convinced of the power of prayer, and the power of kids who pray.

Children are unpretentious. Their prayers are honest and sincere. They pray things some adults are scared to pray. But they are also strong warriors. Their prayers shake heaven and rearrange the kingdom.

The younger children pray simple prayers. We teach them to praise God and to pray for the lost. The older children often pray for unsaved friends and family, and for their own safety in school and on the streets. The battle for their souls seems so much stronger today than when we started.

Our faith was tested in the attacks on the World Trade Center. We lost four of our church family. In the weeks afterward, the children prayed for the victims and their families, and for their own relatives who work in Manhattan. Many children expressed fear, but every week we brought that fear to the Lord.

Pastor Cymbala has said this is harvest time, when people are more open to the gospel, so we are praying for their salvation. One boy reminded us to pray for Osama bin Laden.

“That man needs to be saved, too,” he told us all. And we prayed.

Prayer is at the center of all we do in children’s ministry—teaching, singing, activities—it all comes through prayer.

For more on the children’s prayer meeting, read “Let the Children Pray” by Eric Reed.

Nancy Martinez is director of Christian education at the Brooklyn Tabernacle in Brooklyn, New York.

Pint-sized but powerful: The untold story from the Brooklyn Tabernacle is the children’s prayer meeting.

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.

The invitation was unlike any I’d seen: “Christian Bachelor Party—tasteful gifts only.”

I’d been to enough non-Christian bachelor parties to know of tasteless gifts and raunchy celebrations. But what does a “Christian” bachelor party look like?

I arrive to find men wandering aimlessly around some tasteless, Christian punch. I notice the groom sitting by himself, uncertain and pale.

He reminds me of the grooms I’ve seen in my office anxiously awaiting the ceremony, young men in stiff-collared tuxedos, sweating. The groomsmen would gather about, like nervous allies, trying to mask their fear while the groom gazes out the window. Not really knowing what to say, but wanting to help their beleaguered comrade, they’re at a loss before the overpowering mystery of marriage.

As the fateful bells begin to chime, the best man slaps the trembling groom on the back. “You scared?” Usually the awkward question receives no answer.

“I hope you are scared,” the seasoned pastor and married man in me says. “If you’re not, there’s something wrong.”

Something for men

A sip of Hawaiian Punch laced with ginger ale sputters me back to the present. This party needs help.

“What gave you the idea to throw this party?” I ask the host.

“His fiancee, Jane, is with the women of the church having a bridal shower. I thought the men should do something for Joe. Not a ‘shower’ or anything, but, you know, something for men.”

This makes me think. Brides receive the blessing and grace of other women who have walked the path ahead of them, but men often venture into this frightening territory alone. So I make a suggestion: “This party is a great idea. In fact, it’s such a pioneering thing that none of us knows how to do it. What if we gather around our brother here and let the married men talk to him? Talk about things you wish someone had told you beforehand—things you’ve learned, surprises, and mistakes you’ve made that you’d like our brother to avoid.”

A deadly silence falls upon the room. Father, come on! I pray. Don’t let the men abandon our brother. Kick some married guy in the butt and make him step out!

At last Bill stands up. “I was a little unsure when I got married,” he says. “But now that Sue and I are going on two years together, I can say that getting married was the best thing I ever did.” He sits down, finished.

“I wonder, Bill,” I prod, “if you could be a little more specific. What’s so good about being married?”

“Well—a wife can accept you and still love you even after you mess up, better than you can accept and forgive yourself. It’s great to feel free to talk about things together and know it’s all right, no matter what comes up.”

Bill breaks the dam. He demonstrates that proclaiming before other men the blessing of the Father is uplifting for both the speaker and the listener. Joe begins to relax and listen with appreciation. Soon all the men are anticipating their turn. When all have told their stories, we close the “Christian bachelor party” in prayer.

After the wedding, Joe tells me how much he appreciates what the brothers have given him. In fact, he says, it is a gift to his wife—the gift of a man centered in the community of godly men, secure in his masculinity, and excited about his future with her.

Gordon Dalbey, Santa Barbara, California, www.abbafather.com

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.

In my early 20's, I couldn't relate to my over-40 friend who was beside herself because she didn't have a husband. I, like so many others, thought she would be better off if she could just be content with singleness.

But 20 years later, I know differently. Singleness hurts. And I learned how to minister to those who bear its pain.

I married for the first time at the age of 40. Getting married later in life was a spiritual battle of epic proportions. As an older single, I warred against doubt, discouragement, rejection, and depression. I navigated the minefield of today's male-female relationships. Bitterness, resentment, and even antipathy toward the opposite sex had foiled my attempts to find true love.

In the midst of this invisible war, several well-meaning Christians offered some unhelpful advice. "You just need to be content," they said.

"Just be content" encouraged me as an optimistic 20-year-old. But it became hurtful when I began fearing my 30s, 40s, or even 50s without any prospects for marriage. It was easy to be content when I had hope. But when that hope was weak, I needed it replenished.

Older singles grieve the loss of their youth, lost years of love, and the children that they have not borne. The pain of extended singleness isn't so much coveting a relationship, but grieving lost dreams. If it is insensitive to tell a recent widow to be content in the midst of her loss, it is equally insensitive to say it to someone who is widowed by circ*mstance.

A grieving single needs encouragement to persevere through this trial and to continue believing and trusting in God. "Just be content" tells hurting singles not to hope, not to desire, not to dream, not to have faith, but to abandon the cry of their hearts. Surrendering hope is the wrong answer to the question: "Why am I not married?" An extended period of singleness presented my faith in God with its biggest challenge.

Sole searching

The work God does in singles' lives to prepare them for marriage often involves suffering. God may use the pain of singleness to better prepare them to be a loving spouse or to inspire them to seek healing. The heavy hand of God may help a single to repent of sin.

When their loneliness lasts too long, many singles begin to suppress their God-given desire to marry. They bury themselves in their job or church work to stave off loneliness and to prove how productive they can be without a partner. Busy schedules crowd out opportunities to socialize and to find love.

Some singles worry about obsessing over marriage, so they neglect to prepare themselves for the possibility. They wrongly assume that if it is going to happen, it will just happen.

But denial and distraction don't diminish the pain. When singles confess their frustrations, they have most likely neared the end of their faith. Typically, they have been silently struggling with this issue for years, maybe decades. They have stretched what faith they have as far as it can go. Now they need something more. They need help.

What helps the lonely?

When Paul explained to the Philippians, "I have learned to be content in whatever circ*mstances I am" (Phil. 4:11), he followed that with, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (v. 13). The contentment follows confidence in Christ. But many long-term singles have lost that confidence, doubting that they may ever marry. "I can do all things, except find someone to love me."

Paul goes on to say, "Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction" (Phil. 4:14). Churches that follow the Philippian church's example when ministering to singles can restore their hope. Most singles would be delighted for other Christians to come alongside with counsel and care.

In many ways singles need the same things that other "broken" people need: prayer, support, encouragement, and affirmation. Specifically, singles need assurance that they can learn to be content within today's trials and that they can believe Christ will give them the strength to do all things, including marry.

Tangible help can be valuable too. If someone in the church desired an education or a certain job, practical help might include introducing the job-seeker to someone who can advance their cause.

In the same way, churches can support a single person's dream to marry by including him or her in social opportunities and by introducing new people to each other. Many good marriages have been made by a supportive friend offering to play a little matchmaker.

Searching for true love requires risk, persistence, stamina, and guts. It expends tremendous emotional energy. For those who have done this year after year to no avail, it is easy to give up, to curl up at home with a pet rather than risk disappointment or rejection again.

That's when the lonely warrior needs an ally—someone to remind him that God delights in fulfilling our heart's desires and that he rewards those who diligently seek him, someone to assure her that her desire for marriage is godly.

I used to think long-term singles needed to learn contentedness. But then I became one. Now, I have a better answer for men and women who want to be married.

I acknowledge their need for a spouse and offer to pray that the desires of their hearts will be met.

Kimberly Hartke is the founder of True Love Ministries in Reston, Virginia. truelove@northernva.com

Here are other articles pertaining to "Lord of the Ring-less"

Rubbing Out the Singles Pastor

Why we do ministry mob-style.by Chris Seay

What to Say about Sex

"Just don't do it" is not the whole story.by Harold Ivan Smith

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.

Since research shows that 30 percent of unmarried Americans attend church in a given week, we asked three church leaders for their insights into this group. As you will see, their thoughts are surprising and provocative. We welcome your insights in our ongoing discussion of this topic. http://LeadershipJournal.net/go/talkback/.

Rubbing Out the Singles Pastor

Why we do ministry mob-style.by Chris Seay

Singular Hope

Don’t tell the unmarried to “be content.” Here’s a better response.by Kimberly Hartke

What to Say about Sex

“Just don’t do it” is not the whole story.by Harold Ivan Smith

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.

More than two-thirds of Christian parents say youth and children’s programs are very important to their church experience, but less than half are satisfied with those programs. Those are the findings of a survey by our sister publication Christian Parenting Today. In fact, out of five areas surveyed, parents were least likely to be satisfied by the teen ministry. Parents were more pleased with the preaching and music, and only 14% said they are not satisfied with their church overall.

What parents are looking for: The survey asked, “Is this program extremely important to you?” and “Are you very satisfied?” Here are the responses:

• Children’s programs—93% important, 45% satisfied.
• Sunday school—69% important, 39% satisfied
• Youth programs—69% important, 34% satisfied
• Preaching—75% important, 58% satisfied
• Music—51% important, 48% satisfied

The family altar: The survey found Christian parents are more likely to regulate their their kids’ media exposure than to encourage development of their devotional life. Nine in ten parents say they must approve the TV shows their children watch; four in ten families report having devotions together once per week or more, and 52% say they rarely, if ever, have family devotions.

What you’re up against: The typical Christian family spent seven hours per week in organized activities outside the home, not including work and school. Of the families surveyed, 93% attend church each week; 45% are involved in lessons such as music, dance, and karate; 38% participate in sports programs. Far fewer families are active in community service groups (18%) or Scouts (15%).

Even with all this activity, Christian families still have dinner together five or six nights per week, according to the survey, and nine in ten pray before dinner. Most families turn off the TV (64%) and wait until everyone is present before eating (59%).

—with reporting by John C. LaRue, Jr.

• Islam is growing fast in U.S.The number of mosques increased 42% in the past decade, to at least 1,200. That surpasses growth of new churches among evangelicals (12%) and mainline Protestants and Catholics (2%). Of the mosques surveyed by Hartford Seminary, 60% reported a membership increase of at least 10%, bettering Mormons (48%) and evangelicals (39%).—RNS and Baptist Standard (Jan. 2001)
• Church habits set early:Of adults who attended church as a youth, 61% are still regular attenders. They are two times more likely to take their own kids to church than adults who did not attend regularly as kids (63% to 33%). Those young church goers are also more likely to be active in ministry and Bible study for the rest of their lives.—from Barna Research Group
• Family night at home:Wednesday is least likely to rank as “family night” among all Americans. Only 4% reserve that evening. Quality-time night varies by region: Friday for Southerners (32%), Saturday for Midwesterners (26%), and Sunday for families in the West (15%) and Northeast (22%).—American Demographics (Oct. 2001)

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.

Futurist Leonard Sweet has moved on—from water to land. After his Soul Tsunami and Aqua Church, Sweet is now serving as tour guide for those shipwrecked in a strange, new place. His latest book is Carpe MaÑana (Zondervan, 2001). The place is, in effect, Tomorrowland. But, Sweet warns, tomorrow is here.

Sweet compares the generation born before 1962 to refugees dropped on the shore of the future. Carpe MaÑana indoctrinates us immigrants so we can survive, surrounded by natives of the future. Even Sweet confesses, “I am an immigrant trying to learn a new culture. I am having Ellis Island experiences every day.”

Sweet says times have changed: “If the dominant time zone of the modern world was the present (before then it had been the past), the dominant zone for the postmodern culture is the future.” The book’s nine chapters are like nine classes, each designed to give the reader tools to understand and to navigate in this future-oriented society. These are well written and documented, with challenging interactive exercises at the end of each chapter.

For the preacher in me, the chapter on “Word to Image” was a great help in understanding the audience I need to reach. “Immigrants are word-based. Natives are image-based,” reminds Sweet.

Exemplifying the visual impact, Carpe MaÑana is available in tiger tail blue, long-snout orange, or potbelly green.

God speaks to all cultures in all times, Sweet says. If God is willing to work with this new culture, so must I. Personally, I need the information in this book to help me face the future instead of backing into it.

The church I pastor recently added a service to reach postmodern people, but the service is struggling. As leaders, we will work through this book together to see where change is needed.

• Ross Lokken, pastorCalvary Baptist ChurchSanta Barbara, California.

Building a Church of Small Groups

The authors draw on their experience at Willow Creek Commmunity Church in this tour of small group community. It’s a daunting task to create “a place where no one stands alone.” Their stories of success and failure in training leaders, honoring limitations, and addressing dysfunction are infused with a passion to “reweave the bonds of community” in the church.

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears,” quips the Chinese proverb. As a small groups pastor, I have banged my thumb enough on the small groups work site to see the wisdom in this book. This is an excellent blueprint for building not just small groups, but a community of intimate relationships.

Building a Church of Small Groups is written by Bill Donahue and Russ Robinson (Zondervan, 2001)

• Richard Kidd, pastorKempsville Presbyterian ChurchVirginia Beach, Virginia

On the Nightstand

Max Lucado shares his reading list.

• Worship by Ronald Allen and Gordon Borror (Multnomah, 1987) “I’m preparing a series of sermons on worship—great research,” Max says.
• I Exalt You, O God by Jerry Bridges (Waterbrook, 2001) “Just started it—trustworthy writer.”
• Skipping Christmas by John Grisham (Doubleday, 2001) “Lots of fun.”
• The Revolution Within by Dwight Edwards (Waterbrook, 2001) “Great book!”
• The Life of Reilly by Rick Reilly (Total/Sports Illustrated, 2000) “My favorite columnist.”

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.

Erwin McManus

Lead Pastor of Mosaic in Los Angeles, California

Create expectation for change. The rate at which you change determines your church's culture. When you move slowly, you filter out the entrepreneurs, the risk takers in your community. And when you move quickly, you filter out people who resist change, people who like predictability.

The question is not dealing with specific changes, but asking what kind of culture you're trying to create. If you have leaders whose dominant value system is to resist change, every change seems substantial. But if you have a leadership base that sees change as God's invitation to create the future, then changes become the norm.

At Mosaic, we've worked hard to create a change culture. In the early years, we resolved to make every worship service unique. We rearranged our worship units—drama, Bible reading, singing—every week. I remember having a crisis the first Sunday we decided not to do a welcome; I thought I'd get fired!

Today, our culture of fluidity enables us to change even our place of worship, as often as every six months. Unpredictability has created an expectation of change and a willingness to accept it.

Cheryl Sanders

Senior Pastor of the Third Street Church of God in Washington, D.C.

Read the congregation first. Several years before my installation, my predecessor decided to consolidate our two Sunday morning services into one late service. It was supposed to build unity during a building campaign. It turned out to be an unpopular decision with many who had made time and job commitments to attend the early service. There needed to be a change.

My leadership style favors achievement of consensus as an important factor in major decisions. I tend not to "impose" change on the church. But adding a service wasn't the same as changing congregational DNA. We did not have a vote or poll to determine the people's preferences. The decision was primarily about making worship more convenient for some parishioners.

Instead, I worked with the pastoral staff to plan an early service. Then, we just did it.

The change was barely felt by the late service attenders. As long as their 11 a.m. hour remained intact, they were willing to let us experiment with other changes. So we eliminated the regular Sunday evening service and began the early morning service.

Ken Fong

Senior Pastor of Evergreen Baptist Church in Rosemead, California

Give the people time to catch up. When I stepped into the role of senior pastor five years ago, I felt the Lord prompting me to lead the church toward ethnic diversity.

Since then, we've welcomed people from other cultures to our mostly Asian congregation. But while our vision is rooted in Scripture, the sudden implications have prompted some of our stalwarts to respond, "I'm simply not ready for my kids to grow up and marry persons from a different background."

So I've been asking myself if we need to slow down in order to avoid alienating or losing some wonderful and key people. On the other hand, many here will feel discouraged if we back away from our commitment to racial reconciliation.

I believe we must learn to live with and between these tensions. Actually our congregation is not moving that quickly, but we need to change the impression that we are. So my staff and I will deliberately address people's fears and misgivings along the way. We'll take it a little slower, rather than pronouncing, "This is what the Lord wants us to do" and barging ahead.

Pastor Dan?" I heard a quiet voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yes."

"This is Ted. I need to talk to you—bad. Something's happened." He was reluctant to talk over the phone, and sensing the urgency I agreed to meet with him.

I saw him coming as I peered out my office window. Gone were the familiar bounce in his step and mischievous smile on his face. Ted entered the room and slumped in a chair. His eyes were bloodshot and his face drawn.

Covering his face with his hands for a few moments, he slowly withdrew them and let out a long sigh. Then he began quietly. Lisa, his wife, had been on a business trip recently. Upon her return Ted found evidence suggesting that she'd had a sexual encounter. Lisa denied it at first, but then confessed.

"I can't believe her anymore, Pastor. I feel like I've been violated. And when I told her I knew about the affair, she lied. And the worse part is when she finally admitted it, she acted like it was no big deal. She told me I needed to 'get over it.' She has an affair and I just need to get over it!?"

I listened as I had been trained, with quiet compassion, wincing sympathetically as the sordid details poured from his mouth. His body heaved with quiet sobs. Tears flowed freely.

After I spoke some comforting words and prayed with Ted, he asked if I would meet with Lisa. I agreed, and he thanked me profusely. It's always comforting to be able to truly help someone when they need it. That's why I entered the ministry.

When Lisa came into my office, she was very tentative. The atmosphere was charged. Will she admit the affair? I wondered. Will she deny it? I smiled and motioned for her to sit down.

"Lisa, you know I've talked with Ted. Why don't you tell me in your own words what happened?"

Her eyes filled with tears. "Well, Ted probably told you this already, but on a recent business trip I met an old acquaintance. We've kept in touch over the years. We just agreed to meet and have a drink together. We've always had so much fun together, and I was really tired of fights, and—

"We didn't plan to have an affair, it just kind of happened."

She spoke quietly at first. She apparently wanted some relief in the presence of someone who had always treated her with kindness. The affair was a one-time event and she had no intention of carrying on the relationship, she confided. But then her penitent mood changed. She began to get angry.

"You know, Pastor, Ted and I haven't had a good relationship for a long time. For years Ted was hooked on cocaine. Did you know that? He just kept spending all our money and would never tell me what he had done with it. He worked late hours and then after work wouldn't come home. He'd promise to be home by six, so I'd make dinner and the kids and I would sit there waiting for him. He'd show up at eleven or twelve.

"He is such a liar!" She said it with a vehemence that surprised me. It was, I would learn, an accusation they would hurl back and forth for months.

The more she talked, the angrier she got. My eyes must have been getting wide at this point. This is why we are taught by Scripture to listen to both sides of the story, I reminded myself. Again, I winced sympathetically. When she finished I said a quick prayer and began:

"Lisa, I had no idea of what Ted had been involved with and the struggles he's had. This must have been very difficult on you. But you need to know that doesn't justify what you did." She nodded slowly, but her body language communicated that she wasn't so sure. This wouldn't be easy, I could tell.

As I met later with Ted, I shared what Lisa had revealed to me in counseling. He grew quiet. He agreed that it was true, but made it clear that he did not consider his offenses to be anywhere near as serious as hers. That was history; this was the present.

I broached the issue of forgiveness. I reminded Ted of how much Christ had forgiven him. Even were he to divorce her, he would need to forgive her. Suddenly his anger subsided.

"No, Pastor Dan, I love Lisa. I always have and I always will. We were meant to be together. She made a mistake and I'll have to forgive her. I mean, I'm not perfect myself."

I was greatly encouraged. With this kind of attitude there was real hope for their marriage.

I was also naive.

The theater of conflict

Matt, another church member about Ted's age, took me aside one Sunday.

"Pastor, I was talking to Ted and he told me what was going on. We talked for a couple of hours. He's really hurting over this." I sighed inwardly. "Yes, he is hurting, Matt. Thanks for being there for him. Let's try to keep this as confidential as possible."

Matt agreed and kept his promise. Everyone Ted talked to kept his confidence—everyone except Ted, who seemed intent on talking to everyone. I saw this at first as a hurting man reaching out for comfort, but soon it became clear that Ted was doing more than that. It seemed, as in most wars, the theater of conflict was broadening.

Lisa quickly countered by telling her close friends the "real story." Soon a P.R. battle was raging in our church, with both Ted and Lisa rallying their troops. Never have so few said so much, to so many, in so little time. Ted and Lisa's marriage became the soap opera of our church, each vying for the title "victim."

I quickly spoke to them both about it and urged them to keep confidences if they had any hope of repairing their marriage. While some of the people they were talking to gave them godly advice, others were immature themselves and their advice could be dangerous. They both agreed—until one or the other broke the truce and then all bets were off.

Call it a police action

Despite all this, I thought the marriage had a chance. Ted actually tried doing something I suggested and reached out to Lisa with tenderness. And Lisa, battle weary, responded, open to any glimmer of hope.

I was encouraged when Ted came to counseling one morning with a bounce in his step and a smile on his face. Lisa had recently told Ted "I think I'm falling in love with you again." Unfortunately, Ted took that as a white flag, and set about to reassert his dominance and moral rightness.

The new "love" didn't last the week. Things got ugly again. Then I got a call.

"Pastor Dan?"

"Yeah, Ted."

"Lisa had me arrested."

"She had you what?"

"We were having an argument last night and she called the police and had me arrested. In front of all our neighbors and my own children, I was led away in handcuffs."

As it turned out, Ted was not actually arrested. The police gave him a good talking to and released him. But Lisa won a restraining order and Ted was forbidden to come within 100 feet of his home or children. This situation was getting out of hand, and the more I tried to help the worse it seemed to get.

What feels like leeches

During this time, Ted was involved in various men's discipleship groups I led. I encouraged this at first. But he always arrived late, and when I left he was always bending someone's ear. This was just another opportunity for Ted to build support. One day one of our elders, Tom, called me.

"Dan, Ted came up to me and asked if I'd mentor him." Great, I thought. Someone else to drag into this mess.

"Are you going to do it?" I asked.

"Yeah, I think so. But I'm making it clear at the beginning that I'm not interested in counseling him or talking about his marriage, but in helping him grow in his relationship with Christ." I could have hugged Tom.

"Thanks, Tom, that's exactly what he needs."

But predictably, when Ted realized he had no opportunity to gain sympathy with Tom, he neglected his homework, missed appointments, and Tom eventually gave up.

Lisa, meanwhile, deepened her friendship with Sally, who became her "mother protector." This threw Sally and her husband, Hank, into the fray. Knowing that Lisa was confiding in her close friend, and wanting to plead his side, Ted showed up at Hank and Sally's home one day unannounced. Lisa happened to be there.

Hank met Ted at the door. Then, as Lisa and Ted exchanged barbs and Sally came to Lisa's defense, Hank found himself drawn into a war he wanted no part of. He was one of many unwitting soldiers.

Kicked out of his house, Ted was reduced to sleeping in his car or sometimes a church member's extra room. Ted's business began to fail, but what little money he made became a new weapon against Lisa. Their bills were going unpaid, their car was in danger of being repossessed, the electricity was going to be turned off, and they couldn't even afford food.

When I brought this up to Ted, he shot back, "Pastor Dan, let me tell you what Lisa has done with our money—" and proceeded with a new set of accusations.

This put our elder board in an awkward position. The church had a benevolence fund, but who should we give the money to? It offended Ted when he found out we were paying his bills. Eventually we just paid the bills and kept Ted out of the loop.

The restraining order placed us in an another awkward situation. Technically, Ted wasn't to be within 100 feet of his wife or children, but they both attended our church. I fretted over what to do if they both showed up one Sunday. Who would I ask to leave? Fortunately, it never became an issue, but that tension followed me every Sunday morning.

No-fault pastoral care

The melodrama began to take its toll on me. Ted was bitter, needy, and self-absorbed. Lisa was just plain bitter.

Besides meeting with me weekly, sometimes twice weekly, for many months, Ted began to call and ask if I had "five minutes" to speak with him.

I initially agreed. But then his monologue would go on for an hour, sometimes an hour and a half. He rarely took a breath.

He didn't want to change. I grew tired of Ted. I grew tired of Lisa. They were human leeches sucking me dry. I had imagined if I ever left ministry, it would be because of opposition from a group within the church. Now I contemplated leaving ministry just to get away from Ted and Lisa.

At some point, I had allowed their marriage failure to become my counseling failure. I had not been able to "fix" them. As a result I felt that I had placed the church itself in danger. I lived in constant fear that the church would take sides and destroy itself.

Secretly I hoped, for all our sakes, that they would just get divorced and leave the church.

At my lowest point, several things kept me going.

First, I had several wonderful and mature friends who saw what was happening and encouraged me. One couple who had counseled Ted and Lisa invited my wife and me over for dinner. The conversation turned to our church soap opera. I tensed. Couldn't I have one evening free of Ted and Lisa?

"You know, Dan, Ted and Lisa ruined their marriage. You didn't," the wife told me. "You can't fix it for them. They've got to want to make changes and they don't."

The husband agreed. "It's not your fault, so don't beat yourself up about it."

That was one of the most freeing things I ever heard. I knew it was true, but I desperately needed to know that other church leaders felt the same way.

I was also encouraged by other marriages that I was helping. One couple, Ron and Mary, had struggled for years. When I shared how they could honor Christ in their marriage, they responded. The changes they had to make were every bit as difficult as those Ted and Lisa refused. Yet, Ron and Mary made them. Their marriage was saved and even thrived. My counseling wasn't the "kiss of death."

I also began to realize that I was not the "church counselor." I was only one part in God's plan to work through and in their lives. Many in the church had given wise counsel to Ted and Lisa without taking sides. And I was proud of the way our church responded.

Though they eventually divorced, and Ted moved on, we all tried, as best we could.

And we survived Ted and Lisa.

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.

The leaders of a nearby church wanted to encourage members’ use of spiritual gifts. They devised a ministry catalog and interest survey. They held a ministry fair, where some members proudly and publicly turned in their surveys. But this fanfare was both the beginning and the end of the church’s attempt to call out its members’ gifts.

Why? The church failed to build a foundation through vision casting. As a result, less than 10 percent of the congregation turned in interest surveys, and the leftover catalogs ended up in the church’s basem*nt. The leaders didn’t understand that speed kills. Developing an equipping church, where members really identify and use their gifts, takes time. That’s one of the key messages in Sue Mallory’s new book, The Equipping Church (Zondervan, 2001).

Mallory is the executive director of the Leadership Training Network and the former director of lay ministry at Brentwood Presbyterian Church in Los Angeles. Her book offers principles from her experience to make an intentional, organized transition from staff-focused ministry to lay-based ministry.

Our slow cultural shift

I have used her lay-equipping techniques in many churches as a denominational consultant. For the churches I work with, slow cultural shift is the hardest concept to grasp.

Using Ephesians 4:11-13 as the foundation, Mallory describes an equipping church as a beautiful dance, accomplishing amazing things as people live their gifts and value their ministry. She tells stories of ordinary people who use their gifts to do extraordinary things. Bruce battles blindness, but he leads a computer ministry. Robert feeds the homeless on Saturdays, even though his own bed is on the streets. Jim encourages missionaries with his mouth-watering cookies. Mallory uses stories like these to show that an equipping church cares for people; it helps them “serve and be served.”

Here’s where Mallory’s book differs from much of what has been written about spiritual gifts and lay empowerment: she encourages churches to look beyond interest surveys and gifts assessments. She emphasizes that discovery is more than a questionnaire. Mallory explains, “The heart of discovery is a conversation of the head and heart that emphasizes listening.” In other words, one-on-one discipleship.

If the equipping church is to dance, Mallory knows it takes time to learn the steps. She insists that churches allow as much as two years to build a culture that supports the vision, before implementing a plan.

The Equipping Church Guidebook, co-authored by Mallory and Leadership Network president Brad Smith, is an additional resource for the local church to apply Mallory’s principles. The workbook provides:

1. Tools to determine openings for introducing equipping ministry,
2. Group exercises that guide teams toward embracing the equipping vision, and
3. Examples of these principles at work—from churches in Bellevue, Washington, to Greensboro, North Carolina.

One church I worked with utilized The Equipping Church principles. Stough Memorial Baptist Church in Pineville, North Carolina worked for two years to release the God-breathed ministry dreams inside their members. Their work was tested when 70 people hosted a community-wide event that grew as a response to the school shootings in Colorado. As leaders first talked logistics, many people seemed overwhelmed. Then suddenly one person stood and said, “I work with closed-circuit TV. I’ll be on the technical team.”

Another person responded, “I’ve handled catering for 1,500 people; I’ll serve on the catering team.”

When the volunteering stopped, 15 ministry teams had been formed and every need was met. The church accomplished more than imagined because it created an equipping culture. In that church, the people understand their gifts and the value of their ministry.

Deana A. Nail is missions/ministries consultant for Baptist Metrolina Ministries Charlotte, North Carolina.

Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.